I heard we made out
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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