I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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