I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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