Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it's not cheating when I paid for it
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
