Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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