Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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