I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
