I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
