I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
