I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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