Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
