peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
