Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
