Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
