this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
