I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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