Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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