You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
