the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
