Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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