I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
