I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My dad just said "fuck circus"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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