please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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