my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
