hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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