I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
