I'm gonna have a badass scar
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
