New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
