Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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