i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
