dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
