Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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