When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
