please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
