You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
