Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
