If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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