I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
