I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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