I think my vagina is haunted
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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