i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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