So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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