My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
