oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
