The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
