So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
