i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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