It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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