Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
