I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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